In a moment of doubt,
or confusion, or despair.

Be still.
And listen to your heartbeat.

Listen to its strings
humming, stirring
Those stretches of muscles
with love

Listen to its rhythm
living, kicking
Echoing against your eardrums
with love

In that moment
It is His, too,
living, kicking,
echoing against your eardrums

Listen to His heartbeat
Listen to His engulfing love
softly, yet steadfastly ringing
unfailingly caring

Listen to His heartbeat
echoing against your eardrums
And be still.

happy 2nd anniversary!

06.11.2011 ~ 06.11.2013

My best friend, my lover,
my leader, my husband.
Happy 2nd wedding anniversary, hun!

I thank God for these exciting two years with you.
It is true
there’s nothing easy about marriage life,
but it’s all worth it.
It’s all worth it, because I’ve got you.

I’m happy,
though it’s not always perfect
but I’m happy.
And I hope you are, too.
We are both doubled in size,
I hope it’s quite an indication hahaha

Sweet hubby,
thank you for everything.
For your love, your strong and protective arms, your commitment.
Your leadership, your kind words, your simple, humble, gentle heart.
Your silly jokes, your pranks, your playfulness.
You said we have to keep being young at heart,
and I think you’ve changed me for the better.

My prayers that you may continue being great,
that the wisdom of the Lord be your guidance,
and His love your anchor.
I pray that I may continue to be your loyal sidekick,
to honor, respect and support you,
and to love you according to God’s unfailing love.
I pray that we continue to put God in between us,
as our holy veil so we may see everything through Him.
May we continue to embrace this sacred romance with Him,
and God’s glory may shine through our little family.

I’ve experienced the abundance of God’s grace and favour
through you,
and I can only lift my endless praise to Him for that.
I thank God for you
I thank Him for bringing you into my life.

Happy 2nd wedding anniversary, Sayang,
and wishing for many more years to celebrate with you!

06.11.2011 ~ 06.11.2013

Love never fails
[1 Corinthians 13:8]

The world, as we are, are addicted to speed. We are taught to get things done, and find solutions when problems occur. Quickly. With everything moves and changes so rapidly nowadays, pausing and resting will cost us dearly. Japan created the fastest ever bullet train, Shinkansen, running at 500km/hour. I mean, how fast would you want to get somewhere without risking your nose moving to the back of your head? The power of iPhone, in which you can talk, take note, take and send messages and photos and videos, talk to and see your friend, listen to music, read, play games (anything else I missed?), has swept the world. Indomie, kebanggaan Indonesia, requires 10minutes max, some water and a saucepan and a plate for you to enjoy it. And some cutleries, of course, unless you eat mi goreng with your hand. As ‘healthy’ as they may be, people love the quick and simple solution to get what they want. The world demands us, pushes us to be fast and efficient. Straight-forward and yet flexible to changes, following the trend. Bosses don’t wait for workers to feel good to get their tasks done; finish your job, find solution to problems, produce something meaningful, or you’re history.

Now, in contrary, today God taught me about rest.

He saw how I’ve struggled for a while to compete with my surroundings. He knew how troubled I have been, thinking that I was not good enough, I was not productive enough. That I am nothing, because I have done nothing.

But God is a loving God. As I am renewing my walk with God, He has graciously taught me about His heart. He pulled me back under His wings, and nurtured me back to life. The more I spent time with Him, the more revived I was. As I poured my heart to Him, He opened my eyes and ears to receive His promises, to ease my burden, to calm my troubled soul. I believe that He is faithful, He will fulfil His promises.

But as time went by, I grew restless. I questioned God’s timing; “If You said that You would do something at around this time, why am I not seeing anything yet? Why haven’t things start to change?”, my heart complained. And then I thought, “if God promised us something, do we just wait until it happens, or do we also take part in making it happen?”.  I started to search for logical solutions to solve my problems, believing that I was ‘doing my part’, alongside God who is doing His. But the more I dived myself into ‘doing my part’, slowly I became obsessed with finishing the ‘project’, and I couldn’t wait to pass the finish line and celebrate. Slowly I no longer running alongside Him; I tried to outrun Him.

And naturally, the struggle floated back to the surface. Like a columnist with a deadline, I tried to push things towards God’s timing. I became so frustrated, because obviously, nothing seemed to work. Like a circle trying to fit into the mould of a triangle, I put pressure on myself, on others, but nothing seemed to go my way. You see, I started to forget that it was God’s way to begin with. It was God’s promise that I will definitely receive what I was praying for. But I obviously didn’t trust Him enough. This reminded me of what Pastor Floyd Ellsworth shared in 3rd service earlier this month at church.

“God has the blueprint of our lives. We don’t have to figure out everything. He’d rather not have you asking about His plan, because we tend to ruin them. We might leave Him, running ahead of Him or try to help Him. No, He’d rather have you take His hand and walk with Him, and let Him show you the fulfilment of His promise.”

Ps Floyd continued with the story of Abraham (then-Abram) and the cost of Sarah’s (then-Sarai) distrust and disobedience towards God. She ran ahead of God’s timing and tried to help Him executed His promise, which resulted in the birth of Ishmael [Genesis 16]. Though God also loved Ishmael, but he wasn’t part of God’s initial promise. God still kept His promise to Abraham by giving him a son through Sarah, but Sarah’s disobedience brought war that is still continuing till this very day.

If only Sarah rested in God.

I learned that resting is NOT the same as not doing anything,  so I should not feel guilty about it. He invited me to learn something different, and I am so happy whenever He is teaching me something. He reminded about a few things we can do while we are resting in Him.

Open yourself up to Him. [1 Peter 5:7]
Soak up, bask yourself in His love. [Ephesians 2:4-5]
Let Him fill your cup, satisfying your soul. [Psalm 23]
Let Him renew your strength. [Isaiah 40:31]
Let His peace calms your soul. [John 14:27]
Drown, immerse yourself in Him. [Ezekiel 47:3-5]
Give thanks for the works He has done in your life. [Philippians 4:6]
Get to know Him. Let Him show Himself to you. [Jeremiah 29:13-14a]
Praise Him, simply and surely because He is worthy to be praised. [Psalm 34, 103]

There’s a time for everything. And this is the time for me to rest. Yes, I have to do my part, because God also wants me to learn to walk in faith. But now I know He’d rather have me do nothing and rest, than run ahead of Him, thinking that I’m doing the right thing and end up ruining His plan. He reminded me to immerse myself deeper in Him, just like the water in the river at the time of Ezekiel. So when the time comes for me to move, I will move in obedience, in synchronise with Him 🙂 So that the pieces of the puzzle – my piece and His piece – will fit perfectly, and bring honour to Him.

Obedience protects. King Jehosaphat obeyed God and rest in the Lord by praising Him with his army instead of running down to the battle ground and trying to fight off the attacking nations. [2 Chronicles 20:1-30]. Joshua obeyed God and circling the wall of Jericho in praises, exactly as how God asked Him to, instead of trying to penetrate the wall and probably got killed by the army of the city. [Joshua 6]. It might seem ridiculous when time starts running out, yet God asks us to be still and rest in Him. Most of our first reaction would be, “But it doesn’t make sense!!”. But He has a purpose in every word He says, He has a plan in every guidance He gives. Our solutions, however logical or sensible they may seem, sometimes are not God’s ways. Obeying God and walk on our own understanding could be a matter of life and death, physically or spiritually. Look at what Saul had done to himself. [1 Samuel 15]. When God asked me to rest in Him, I know He is protecting me. Might be from others, might be from myself. O yes I know how much damage I could make if I was given the chance. And I thank Him for shielding me from the chaos I could create for myself.

When we rest in God, He will freely, abundantly give us rest [Matthew 11:28]. He is absolutely joyful in the idea of giving Himself to us. He delights in us, more and more as we come near to Him. As I learned to know the heart of my God, I pray that I may obey Him; this is my living sacrifice to Him. To trust in His timing and His hand; there’s no way He’ll miss His own timing! As our souls find rest in Him, we may see that He is faithful to us. As I am resting and pausing from things that are worrying me, I may see that God’s timing will be perfect in me.

Thank you, Father, for teaching me. I am humbled by Your love ❤

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken [Psalm 62:5-6]

Find rest my soul, in Christ alone
Know His power, in quietness and trust [Still – Hillsong]


Here I am again, coming back after a period of dryness and confusion and ignorance. I’m thanking God for His unending patience with me, waiting for me to get to my senses and returning to Him. I don’t think I can go too far away from Him, but funnily He let me. It might not make sense but He let me strayed away from Him, so I might see and feel the difference. The difference between being in His court, and refusing to come in. And though I might classify those times as ‘outside God’, I’m sure He never let me out of His sight. I understand it now; He shapes me continuously. Despite my ignorance, He showed Himself faithful. Despite my refusal to acknowledge Him in my everyday life, He still showered me with His love.

This deer is coming back, Lord. This deer can’t live without Your living water. She was suffering outside Your house, she was tormented by the world. This deer is coming back to You.

“..I was so foolish and ignorant; I was like a beast before You. Nevertheless I am continually with You, You hold me by my right hand. You will guide me with Your counsel, and afterward receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth I desire beside You. My flesh and my heart fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalms 73:22-26

photo credit: John Dominis, from

Just a random thought.

Now that I’ve known a LOT better about my husband, including his daily antics, things that even his closest friends probably would die of laughter should they know about this, I realized that I shouldn’t be too surprised.

Because Chika, my best friend, has ‘prophesied’ about this to me.

Well, nothing too serious. As we were getting closer when she was still staying in Melbourne, I also got to ‘enjoy’ her pretty weird antics. Some were bordering to irrational, sometimes I wonder why I could stand being around her at such close proximity. I guess love is blind, huh? :p

So basically, since I often complained about how annoying or weird or disturbing her actions were, Chika always replied with such bold conviction that, “Mak (‘mum’ in a traditional slang, her pet name for me), don’t hate me too much now, since your kids will act like me!”.

Darn it, dear, but you’re almost right. Almost, cause it is my HUSBAND that is acting so similar to you! *facepalm*

But yes, I’ve got to admit that these kind of people do make my world so full of laughter. Again, love is blind, so I am a bit biased here. But still, I am thanking God for these weird, disturbing yet lovely people around me.

Oh, now that Chika is pregnant, maybe it’s my turn to have my ‘prophecy’ to happen xD
Tong, get ready for head-shaking, eye-rolling kids! Haha!

Come to think of it, since I seem to attract weird people, I might be one myself. Oh well.

weirdo love


“Know something, sugar? Stories only happen to people who can tell them.”

Allan Gurganus

In my own words, new experiences only happen to those who are willing to be vulnerable before one can become strong. To be tested but not crumble, to be bent but refuse to break, to be challenged but won’t give up.

The willingness to be exposed to the elements of life, the ups and downs, the pain and joy, will lead to a closet full of experiences that will help you and others in the future. Our stories can become living testimonies for those who are in doubt, discouraged, or in weakness.

Stories only happen to people who can tell them. New experiences only happen to those who are willing to continually get out of comfort zone, to grow, to improve and to be brave.

What stories do you have in store?

This is an entry that I wrote on my iPod Touch on 30 April 2011.

My life has taken a huge turn last year. I wouldn’t have thought that it would lead this way. But one thing that remains is that my fear of failure. I resent failure like cats resent getting rained on. I jus’t can’t stand it.

I could say that I have failed the longest relationship I have ever been in . Even though I refused or never admitted this but yes,  I take this failure personally. God might tell me it’s meant to end but I just can’t resist the thought that I was responsible of putting a full stop to a very long story. And though I know it’s far better this way but it still hurts. Not the ‘losing-the-person’ part, but the ‘feeling defeated’ part.

I like to plan things, and when I know what I want I make sure I get it. It sounds quite arrogant and demanding, but it’s part of my perfectionist personality. After that blow last year, and the new relationship I’m currently in, I came to realize that the fear of failure is still lingering around the corner of my heart. I often boldly said that my fiance is a gift from God, because I just didn’t think that I deserved him and I’d never thought that I would have a chance to start a new page with anyone else. I boldly claimed that it has been God who has lead me and him to where we are now, but I just can’t shake off the thought of my past failures.

It was a mistake to hold on to something too tightly, knowing it wasn’t right. Dragging it for too long didn’t help the case, either. I ended up hurting everyone  too deeply. When I decided to let go, there came rescue from above, and everything was changed because my God brought hope.

Now, I’m doing exactly the same thing like I did last year; holding on too tight. Sometimes I don’t realize how thin it is between hoping and insisting, surrendering and nagging, having faith and being bossy. When we pray strongly about something, are we being faithful or are we pinning down God’s hand to give what we pray for?

Just like last year, I find it hard to pray and ask for His mercy and grace upon my plans in life, because I still remember how it felt not to be supported, to be told that my choices are wrong and my ways are ill-chosen. KD said, “when not appropriately addressed, the abundant grace that God has given you can turn into your curse”. With all these plans and arrangements to be made, and the help and support God has given me and my family, I still find it hard to surrender everything to Him. Because I am so afraid that He will not approve of my choices again, and yank everything away from me again :”( I’m sorry, Lord..

He reminded me about giving my trust to Him, to actually believe that He was there before everything started happening and He’ll be there when everything finally ends; He’s got everything under His control. The Bible said, you asked for this and that but you don’t get it because you asked the wrong thing. It’s not the right request, or it’s the wrong timing, or maybe He’s just holding off because He knows that way you’ll grow closer to Him. One thing I do know is that our Father will do anything and everything to bring us back to Him. Sometimes He brings joy to show how generous and loving He is. Sometimes He brings pain so that eventually, after several attempts of looking around us for solutions, we will finally look up and call upon His name.

It all comes down to one question; do we really believe He loves so much? Do we really know that we can trust Him completely over our lives because He is the One who design it, anyway? Do we really believe that whatever He’s got in store for us is far greater that we could ever think of?

I can choose to believe, but the problem is not whether I can or not, isn’t it? Do I choose to believe? Will I choose to believe, and reminding myself every day of my life of His love and promise?

It’s a long and hard race You’ve put me in, Daddy, and I may find myself falling and falling again. But I want to choose to believe in You and Your grace. Help me to believe, because I can’t do it on my own.