Happy New Year 2016!

It horrified me to find that I haven’t actually opened this page for 2 full years!! My last entry was on the 6th of November, 2013. My 2nd wedding anniversary.

Unbelievable.

That said, I occasionally delivered my rantings through Instagram. So, technically, it’s not two full years without any sort of typing or commenting or complaining or just typing away. Can’t imagine not doing anything to do with words for two full years. I’d die.

Anyway,

I will not talk about New Year’s Resolution. I think it’s a lot of crap; you have this list that will ultimately makes you feel depressed because you’ll find that you don’t fulfill some/all of them. Or worse, you’ll actually forget about them. And I sound very.. negative.

This year is also The Odd Room’s second year. Time flies when you have fun, they said. The thing is, it’s not always fun. At least not around here. I thought I knew what I wanted. But apparently, hospitality drains me. It still does.

I’m still passionate about service. I’m still excited when it comes to food and coffee. I just don’t know how to keep up with all these changes and trends and demands. I guess this is the difference between working for someone else and working for yourself. I’m just not sure if I have it.

and now A is talking about starting another TWO businesses. I should be grateful; my husband is not lazy. He is a very curious man; and he is seriously serious about coffee. And making money. To secure our lives, of course. I just don’t know if I could bear another TWO big responsibilities. And to be honest, it’s fighting for space in my life with my other passion; I would love to be a mother.

But to get there, we need the moolah. I don’t want to be irresponsible and expecting my parents to cope for my life’s expenses all the time. Well, and also other things. Like, quality time. That, we don’t have much lately. I don’t even know if he shares the same goal as me on this one. He said he does, but his action just doesn’t reflect what he said. The cold fight last night was also around that same topic. I said ‘cold’ because he neither agreed nor disagreed to what I said. He just lied there in the dark, forgetting about whatever I said. And went to sleep.

This might be my raging PMS hormones speaking. Or typing. I should’ve taken two instead of one calcium tablet before bed. They said PMS gets worse when you reach 30. Hurray. I found myself swearing under my breath way too often, and more drawn to articles about home remedies for younger looking skin and muscle pains. Boy is getting older a lot of fun or what.

There’s a lot of uncertainties around. Ngkong Tjien passed away two weeks ago. I always thought that the others would go first; that he’d be the last one standing considering his health. It was a great comfort he didn’t suffer. He walked to the market on Monday morning; an umbrella in his right hand, newspaper in his left. And his heart just decided to quit on him. I would love to think that he didn’t feel as much. It’s just that… it was such a shock. I can’t even put my feelings into words. ‘Weary’ will be the closest.

This is comforting. The sound of the keyboard clickety-clacking. Writing has always helped me solidifies my thoughts; straightening them out of my scrunched-up mind. The absence of auto-correct helps, too (iPhone is killing my spelling). I feel stupid for not being able to type ‘responsibilities’ without counting the ls and is. It also pleases me when I realized I’ve had these uncommon words which I rarely use but they just popped up when I needed them. It’s like they were stored deep inside my head, waiting for their turn to shine.

Help me, Lord, please help me. This.. anger. This.. desperation for release. This frustrating phase of my life. I tried so hard to suppress this unhappiness; my head acknowledges the grace that You have showered me with but my heart keeps yearning for everything else. I wonder if being unhappy is okay. I’m sure You understand this feeling, Lord Jesus. In Your sweet, powerful name I pray. My eczema on my right forefinger has gone better rapidly in the past two days since I prayed over it in Your name. I know firsthand how powerful Your name is.

I realise the mood has gone somber since I started writing this morning. That’s usually the case. I write when my mind can’t keep up anymore. I wish it isn’t always the case, because I love writing. And I actually feel a bit better now. Just a bit hungry. Had one banana, one apple, a quarter of a pita pocket filled with cajun chicken, avo and mixed salad, half a cup of Cappuccino, and 350ml of green tea with a slice of lemon. Shouldn’t be hungry yet. But again, damn PMS does whatever it feels like.

It’s lunchtime. Time flies today. Usually I will be reaching about 3,000 steps according to my Health app on my phone. It’s 12.03pm, 827 steps. Nice. I think I can afford ‘not working’ today. I need to recharge on my ‘extrovert’ battery; it’s been drained for waayy too much since we opened in 2014.

Anyway. What should I work on now…

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