This is an entry that I wrote on my iPod Touch on 30 April 2011.

My life has taken a huge turn last year. I wouldn’t have thought that it would lead this way. But one thing that remains is that my fear of failure. I resent failure like cats resent getting rained on. I jus’t can’t stand it.

I could say that I have failed the longest relationship I have ever been in . Even though I refused or never admitted this but yes,  I take this failure personally. God might tell me it’s meant to end but I just can’t resist the thought that I was responsible of putting a full stop to a very long story. And though I know it’s far better this way but it still hurts. Not the ‘losing-the-person’ part, but the ‘feeling defeated’ part.

I like to plan things, and when I know what I want I make sure I get it. It sounds quite arrogant and demanding, but it’s part of my perfectionist personality. After that blow last year, and the new relationship I’m currently in, I came to realize that the fear of failure is still lingering around the corner of my heart. I often boldly said that my fiance is a gift from God, because I just didn’t think that I deserved him and I’d never thought that I would have a chance to start a new page with anyone else. I boldly claimed that it has been God who has lead me and him to where we are now, but I just can’t shake off the thought of my past failures.

It was a mistake to hold on to something too tightly, knowing it wasn’t right. Dragging it for too long didn’t help the case, either. I ended up hurting everyone  too deeply. When I decided to let go, there came rescue from above, and everything was changed because my God brought hope.

Now, I’m doing exactly the same thing like I did last year; holding on too tight. Sometimes I don’t realize how thin it is between hoping and insisting, surrendering and nagging, having faith and being bossy. When we pray strongly about something, are we being faithful or are we pinning down God’s hand to give what we pray for?

Just like last year, I find it hard to pray and ask for His mercy and grace upon my plans in life, because I still remember how it felt not to be supported, to be told that my choices are wrong and my ways are ill-chosen. KD said, “when not appropriately addressed, the abundant grace that God has given you can turn into your curse”. With all these plans and arrangements to be made, and the help and support God has given me and my family, I still find it hard to surrender everything to Him. Because I am so afraid that He will not approve of my choices again, and yank everything away from me again :”( I’m sorry, Lord..

He reminded me about giving my trust to Him, to actually believe that He was there before everything started happening and He’ll be there when everything finally ends; He’s got everything under His control. The Bible said, you asked for this and that but you don’t get it because you asked the wrong thing. It’s not the right request, or it’s the wrong timing, or maybe He’s just holding off because He knows that way you’ll grow closer to Him. One thing I do know is that our Father will do anything and everything to bring us back to Him. Sometimes He brings joy to show how generous and loving He is. Sometimes He brings pain so that eventually, after several attempts of looking around us for solutions, we will finally look up and call upon His name.

It all comes down to one question; do we really believe He loves so much? Do we really know that we can trust Him completely over our lives because He is the One who design it, anyway? Do we really believe that whatever He’s got in store for us is far greater that we could ever think of?

I can choose to believe, but the problem is not whether I can or not, isn’t it? Do I choose to believe? Will I choose to believe, and reminding myself every day of my life of His love and promise?

It’s a long and hard race You’ve put me in, Daddy, and I may find myself falling and falling again. But I want to choose to believe in You and Your grace. Help me to believe, because I can’t do it on my own.