Upon his extensive research on his work, Andrew shared to me about this forum he bumped into, called problogger.net. It is basically a pool of professional bloggers giving out advices and forums and books and itsy bitsy on blogging and how to do it better. I had a read on some of the entries, and visited some blog sites, too. I happened to read three different types of blogs in terms of their themes (one a diary, one a project, one educational), but what was quite consistent throughout the three was the commitment; the honesty in telling stories.

I have to admit, the recent posts starting mid last year have been, well, disheartening. Extremely. I can see thick, grey clouds hovering above these entries, and some of them almost sound suicidal at some point. They’re scarying me .

And today I realized the reason why I have been feeling that miserable most of the time.  And it’s because I think about myself too much. A narcissist, if I may say so; one who is overly self-involved with oneself. The twist being, when in normal cases a narcissist would ponder and express self-gratification and admiration over one’s physical and mental attributes, I’ve been doing exactly the opposite. I pity myself, I hate my life, I despise being in this position, I don’t like being me.

And here I go again.

I decide to take things slowly. Not by being lethargic or lazy only to beat myself up for doing nothing and shrink back into my black hole again, but by accepting myself. By being honest with myself, by knowing what I want and what I need to do, and taking one step at a time. To not be too hard on myself, to not denying myself all the time, to forgive myself and others and to allow myself to follow my heart.

There. I can be my own psychiatrist, after all. Cheaper, too.

Life is harder now, I know, because I’m older now and I have more responsibilities.
I need to learn to be less selfish now, because I don’t live for myself now. I share my life with my husband, we vowed to take care of each other and I am taking that vow with me till the end.
Though things are not perfect right now, I know I deserve to be happy, and I can choose to be happy now. Or I can procrastinate like I usually do. Jeff Goins wrote that, “… believing that if we just found one perfect job, we’d be happy. But life doesn’t work like that. You will always be a little incomplete. This is the beautiful frustration of being human. And it’s where all the best art comes from. ”

You will always be a little incomplete. Isn’t that fair? Isn’t that honest? Because when it IS perfect, you will stop searching. You will stop hoping. You will stop believing. And in the end, eventually, you will stop living. Remember the entry before this one? Yeah.

Take things slowly.
Embrace new things.
Sing aloud.
Be honest. Be brave.
Be braver.
Love more. Be happy. Be happier.
Enjoy every kisses. Give more kisses.
Give thanks. It’s the little things that count.
And all in all,
know that you are loved. Immensely.

The list will go on. And I’m getting there. I promise.