I had a chat with a close friend last night. As usual after a warm salutation he asked me what I’ve been doing, just to get the usual answer of multi-taskings. He then shared the fact that the mind of men works like drawers. There’s a drawer for eating, another one for career/work, and then for love/family, watching tv, and most importantly there’s a drawer for NOTHINGNESS, when men are expected to think of ‘nothing’ as the title suggested. That’s why they cannot do multiple things altogether at the same time; too many drawers to be opened. As for women, their minds work like wires which interconnecting with each other that imply the skill of multitasking possessed.

And how I wish I’m a man right now. Pulling out the NOTHING drawer, keeping all my thoughts inside it and chuck them away. Just for a while, just for a moment until I’m ready to have them back and constantly thinking of them.

I wish I had the strength and the determination, to hold my head high and keep moving on. To take one little step at a time. Stealing from a friend’s personal message, ‘PERSEVERE, even the snail made it into the ark’, would be an apt expression. I wonder if I can’t, or don’t have the urge to, finish what I have started. With so many crucial moments in life, have I made the right decisions and did what I had to do against what I wanted ? What about free will ? Even the word ‘freedom’ itself is described as the ability of doing what we HAVE to do, and not what we WANT to do. Would people still want that kind of freedom ?

I’m tired. I feel left out. I don’t belong. Maybe it is because of the length of time that I’ve been in one situation, where everything have been familiar and made me feel safe though in an ambiguous way. Thus once I was yanked out of that comfort zone, I was completely lost.

I don’t know what life brings in the future, but I guess if I want the rainbow I would have to bear the coldness and harshness of rain. How long do I have to wait until I see my much-anticipated rainbow ? Some will say it’s not always about the goal because it takes your attention away from your journey, that you’ll be left with nothing at the end of it. And I do want to learn along the journey.

Little prayers are always in my heart, pleading to my dear Father to keep me from drying out, sucked by the tentacles of skepticism. Every now and then when situations turn sour and sad, I ask Him to gently mold my heart into what He desires, and hold me tight, giving me assurance that I’m not doing this alone and not doing it for myself. ‘Surrender’ has been and still is a big word to accomplish, and I must be the slowest snail of all, falling down again and again from the slime of my own steps.

Come to think of it, I don’t really want to have that drawer of ‘nothingness’. I might lose my mind (haha) or miss on some ‘lessons’ taught by the Greatest Teacher of all. I guess we are personally made with customized risk management to be able to bear all the tests and problems along our journeys, and I’m sure whatever problems given to me will not exceed beyond the manuals given to my ‘risk management body’. I just have to learn to keep walking STRAIGHT, taking in what’s need to be taken in and leaving useless bits out.

There are times when the potter has to destroy his work and start all over again on a defect vessel, because he knows a defect is cheap, it won’t do any good. The Potter, my Potter has gentle hands that even though He had to destroy me, He destroyed me to mold me into a better vessel. Doesn’t He have all the rights to shape His vessels into anything that brings Him delight ? (Jer 18:4) I just don’t want to have a hardened heart, cos it’ll hurt me more when the molding time comes.

This is me, once again in this position. A year has passed, and I’m back again at the Start line. And once again I ask my Lord to be Light as my guidance, and to be my Solid Rock for me hold on to when everything seems impossible. As many tears and the thoughts of ‘what might have been’ may flood into my days from now on, I only wish that I can be strong, be persistent and consistent and don’t play around with my life anymore.